Struggling with fear

I spend every day struggling with fear. This anxiety is getting out of control. Being abused as a child explains a lot of it but not all of it. I have also developed anxiety after having traumatic health experiences. Now I feel like I fear everything. I am afraid to be alone, afraid to be with people, afraid of getting sick, afraid of taking medications, afraid of vomiting, afraid of these fears, afraid I am going crazy, afraid to die, etc. It is so difficult to feel this way all the time and I want it to stop. I just don’t know how to stop it. I am in talk therapy right now and still the fears seem to be getting worse. I am even going to try alternative medicine to see if that will help me. I just don’t feel like anything at all can help me. It is hard and I am so lost and confused. It is not fair that things from my childhood can still be causing so many problems in my life, and I don’t understand why these health experiences had to cause even more anxiety than I already had. I am so tired of struggling with this fear, I wish it would just go away already.

anxiety is ruining my life

I have dealt with anxiety since I was abused as a child, but it is getting out of control now. I am afraid of everything. It has been weeks since the last time I posted to this blog because I have been struggling so much with this anxiety. I fear getting sick, I fear taking medications, I fear being alone, I fear so many things that it makes no sense to fear. I am feeling like no one can help me and like I have no one to turn to. It is really hard. I have been incredibly anxious for 3 days straight just because my cousin has some kind of virus. I am afraid I will catch it and afraid of how I will feel if I do catch it and afraid I’ll have to take some medication and won’t be able to. This anxiety is ruining my life. I hate it. I don’t know what to do anymore!! When I was a kid I used to get just panicked at the thought of dying. I used to just get terrified and cry and keep thinking to myself over and over, “I don’t want to die, please don’t make me die!” I don’t understand why I have to have this problem. But when something like childhood sexual abuse turns your life upside down, anxiety goes with the territory. You can’t help but be anxious in that kind of situation and if you don’t get help dealing with it, then it just keeps getting worse and keeps getting into more and more parts of your life until you are anxious about everything all the time. Having had some traumatic health experiences hasn’t helped with my anxiety about getting sick or taking medications at all. It has made that issue so much worse. I don’t know how I am ever going to get through this. And then I feel like I can’t talk about it with my family because they get frustrated and don’t know how to help me and I end up feeling worse after talking to them than I did before talking to them. I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to and I feel like I have to keep this stuff to myself, like the only place I can talk about it is in therapy and that always turns out horribly because I don’t know how to explain what I am going through and how I feel in a way my therapist grasps how bad things are with me. It is hard. I feel like my therapist can’t help me because she doesn’t get it and I feel like my doctor can’t help me and I feel like my psychiatrist can’t help me either. Even with that’s not necessarily true. Because my psychiatrist and doctor have had some good ideas that might actually help me, it just takes time for them to start helping. I just hate the way I feel and don’t know what to do or who to turn to. At least with this blog I can get it all out in a way that is helpful for me and that I can stick with even if sometimes I don’t do it regularly enough. I am glad I have this blog and can get this stuff out and written down. It really does help.