Childhood memories
Posted by jlhuff on June 26, 2009
One night when I was ten, I woke up to pain and the smell of beer breath. My step dad had his hand in my underwear while I was sleeping. The pain was penetration, something I hadn’t ever experienced before. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this to me, it made no sense. When I would have cried out in pain, he covered my mouth with his in what I think was supposed to be a kiss, but somehow wasn’t anything that made sense. It was horrible and I just wanted it to stop. After what felt like hours, he just stopped and left the room after saying only that I should not tell anyone what happened. I told my mother the next day and she made me think she would report him, she was so angry and upset, and I believed she would protect me. She didn’t do anything, and I was afraid to tell anyone, but what I ended up doing was writing about it in my diary and then taking my diary to my aunt’s house and “accidentally-on purpose” left it there. She ended up reading it and questioned me about it. That is how the abuse got reported and I was placed in my aunt’s custody, while we went through all the legal stuff and court appearances.
That is only the first time he sexually abused me, and the abuse got worse over time. I never understood why this man who was supposed to love me, who was the only father I ever knew, could do something like this to me. How could he have hurt me this way? What the hell was he thinking? I heard all of his lame excuses, all his crazy, sick, messed up reasons for why he did what he did, and it just pissed me off to hear him try to justify what he did. He tried to blame me, my mother, alcohol, everything and everyone but himself. I hated him for what he did, and I will never forgive him for it. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.
The abuse has affected me in so many ways and it completely sucks that it is still affecting my life so many years later. That is the way abuse is, it affects you for the rest of your life. There are things that happen that will always affect you and that’s just the way it is. I have, however, moved on in a lot of ways, and that is what I concentrate on, that I have come a long way since I was that little, abused, hurt, frightened little girl. I have a long way to go, but I have definitely come a long, long way. I am a survivor and for that I am proud. Just tell me why this has to still make my life so hard, that’s all I want to know.
carol De Storm said
i too was sexually abused and recently wrote my life story in the hope it would help others to open up and tell theirs so many people still suffer in silence.
http://caroldestorm.wordpress.com
jlhuff said
Yeah, more people need to tell their stories, because we need to end the stigma and atmosphere of secrecy surrounding sexual abuse. If it continues to be wrong to talk about it then their will continue to be more people being sexually abused. We need to put an end to sexual abuse and ending the secrecy is the only way to do it.
fragile4life said
I’m sorry you had to experience that. It causes so much pain and confussion.
jlhuff said
It does cause a lot of pain and confusion. If we send a clear message that it’s not okay for people to abuse children and that the children aren’t to blame, don’t need to be ashamed and don’t need to keep the secret, that would put an end to child abuse and the stigma attached to those of us that have gone through it.
thinkpoint said
Hope for survivors of sexual abuse:
http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2008/06/25/hope-for-survivors-of-sexual-abuse/
whackadoodle said
Wow, the end of this one asked the same questions I asked you in your most recent post. Survivor is right but we wonder why we had to survive this. We wonder why their “sickness’ as some call it becomes our sickness (legitimate.) They don’t have nightmares, they don’t leave a store in the middle of a shopping trip because a song, a person, a smell or a sight triggers a dark ugly feeling in the pit of our stomache that takes ages to get rid of, again and again.